There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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