don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
