Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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