I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
