I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I wish there were birth control emojis
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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