So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
