I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
