I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
