My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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