Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
The best revenge is premature balding
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
