All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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