By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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