Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
