You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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