there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
operation harelip BJ is a go
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
