11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
