Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
im six kinds of drunk right now
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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