I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
