There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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