i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You are a genius and a whore.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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