I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
