Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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