No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I need a beard to bite.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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