Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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