i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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