Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
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