new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
