My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
