Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
