I'll bet she douches with gravy.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
