I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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