I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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