But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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