Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm sobbing to NWA
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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