I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
