I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize