At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
