I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
