.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
