The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
