we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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