dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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