He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
