I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
