I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
