I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
