his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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