I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
