Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
