The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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